Guilty

A picture of my lovely daughter and Bailey:

Yep, I said it... guilty. It's more a feeling then anything, or at least that's how I've been feeling lately. Within the next few months, my daughter will become a big sister. How exciting....but for who? We (john and I) are thrilled because we knew we wanted to have more then one child, everybody I know seems to be thrilled, well because who doesn't love new babies. But when it comes to Lilla.....well I feel guilty.

Not that she's not somewhat interested in the baby. She mainly wants to squish the baby by poking or sitting on my stomach....which makes her smile. Or she wants to lift up my shirt to see the baby, thankfully not in public....yet. She named the baby....Breakfast....we'll see if it sticks. She also is very curious about babies in general and now thinks she has a baby in her tummy and is very concerned about her baby dolls at home (changing their diapers, feeding them, comforting their fake cries). All, I think, are good signs.

That being said, she has NO IDEA what is going on or will happen to her little world when this new person arrives. She can not fathom how her mommy and daddy will now be pulled, in yet another direction, leaving less time for her.....here is the guilt.

I've read articles about women having 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies and that this love you hold for your children just grows. I'm sure it does, but I can't imagine. I worry that I won't have enough time for it all.....which I'm sure I will or will have to, right....such is life. It's not that I'm afraid I'll love Lilla less, or love the baby more.....it's just the time the new one will require. I don't want to miss out on my first born's whatevers. Guilt Guilt Guilt.....yet, it has be to done. Well, it will be done, I'm mid way through this pregnancy....only 20 weeks left until her little world, well..... changes, ours too, but we kinda know what to expect. (P.S.- we had the ultrasound, everything looks good....and no, we don't know what we are having).

I guess we'll have to wait and see how it goes....which I'm sure, again, it will be fine, but it's still somewhat worrisome, at least to me. I've also heard that the poor 2nd child really get's the short end of the stick and that we'll spend most of our time tending to Lilla, instead of the baby. I do think Lilla will be a fantastic big sister, at least, I hope. Again we'll see.

I also feel guilty because of something someone said to me.....months ago. Isn't it funny that words can be "there" for months. I asked someone how their child was, and the person's response was "perfect". Perfect......that's a pretty big word. I seem to use it on small things like good food, or a nice evening, but this person applied it to their child. And then I thought......I've never thought of Lilla as perfect.....ever (ok, maybe right after she was born...but that doesn't really count). Not that she's overly bad or good.....or anything other then what she is supposed to be, but does that make me a bad parent because I don't see my own flesh and blood as perfect? I don't see myself as perfect, nor my husband....and for that matter, I don't see anyone in my life as perfect. I do think Lilla is lovely, bright, fun, sassy, naughty, surprising.....but not perfect. How does one know they have a perfect child? Is there somewhere I can look this up....because maybe she is?

But, then I had another thought........oh that's right, the "perfect child" is only around 12-15 months old. The person I was talking to hasn't experienced the not so perfect 2 year old yet.....and it made me smile to myself. That thought actually made me feel a little smug. I know something this person doesn't and I think I'll keep it to myself and let them go through it. Which they should, without any warning. =) Then....I'll smile some more.